Copywriter, technical writer, translator (FR>EN, ES>EN, IT>EN), journalist

Google Pizza – is this satire?

I usually publish “factual” things on my blog: opinions, how-to tips, insights, etc. This week’s post may be helpful and insightful, even if, on the surface, it’s satire.

A friend posted this on an email list I belong to. She didn’t note the original author, so if you know who that is, please let me know.

Google Pizza

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir – it’s Google Pizza. 

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir? 

My usual – you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK – that’s what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust? 

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir. 

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. 

Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!!   I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!

I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago!!

More Pizza Order scenarios

There seems to be a rash of these “skits” making the rounds. Check them out here. Seems like everybody is “connected to the system” and using many of the same lines.

This one takes a minute or so to get to the relevant piece.

This one talks about the “Homeland Security System” being available to a pizza shop.

How do people remember those lengthy ID numbers? BTW, here it’s the “government information system.”

You can probably find more of these.

Are you scared or laughing? Let me know in the comments below.




1 Comment
  1. This is funny, but perhaps not too far off the mark.
    Your post is insightful and helpful, especially as it’s a good reminder to be careful about who has what information about you.